Let the blood be one, and the two races join as a perfect creature.
Welcome to an alternate reality where vampirism was discovered to be a genetic anomaly some 300 years ago and was accepted by the church as a blessing from God. Now these vampire "brothers" roam the disease filled and technologically backward streets of New Zealand protecting and serving mankind until one finds his true vampire spirit and changes things forever. *yawn* This film tried to capitalize on the successes of Peter Jackson's New Zealand film making spirit, but it really takes itself too seriously and the story drags on. It's only about 90 minutes long, but it's hard to remain focused after about 60 if you have any distractions (i.e. computer, food, video games, etc.) and isn't all that fun for a horror movie. If you are looking for a film to lull you to sleep like your mother's childhood lullabies, this would do just fine. Otherwise, don't waste your time.
In this film we get to revisit the Freeling family now living at Diane's mother's house and trying to live as normally as they can after the events that took place in their former home. The thing is, Kane (we now have a name for the leader of the ghosts trying to be led into the light) really likes Carol Anne and isn't too keen on letting her get away so easily.
It's hard to believe that the only actor from the original film with any talent that they brought back was Craig T. Nelson, but be thankful that they did. He carries the picture single handedly through the sections that are not loaded with special effects. The special effects are pretty cool, though. Designed and produced by Boss Film Studios (Their film debut was Ghostbusters) they kept in step with the theme set in the original film pretty well (until the flying chainsaw attack). If you loved the original and you don't want to taint its image, maybe you should avoid this one at the local video store. If you want to watch it anyway, get some crackers because the family unity theme gets real cheesey.
In this third installment in the Cube franchise the filmmakers take us deeper into the story surrounding the Cube where we meet a couple of guys whose job it is to monitor and control what goes on within the puzzle. This film has a lot more in common with the Cube than it does with Cube 2: Hypercube in that it doesn't try to overwhelm the audience with overly complex scientific jargon. Brutal and full of graphic carnage and violence, this is not a bad way to wrap(?) the story up, certainly better than leaving it after the second one. And it includes a real villain, with a funny glass eye. Cube Zerois not the greatest horror film ever, but better than a lot of them and worth the time to watch if you liked the original.
A group of teens are road-tripping to see a football game when one of them uses his GPS in his Cadillac truck to find a short-cut. Cadillac truck? How many teens have those? Anyway, they decide to camp in a remote meadow when they are surprised by the sudden appearance of a truck with its high beams on that won't go away and the driver won't answer them. Oooo, spooky. Fast forward to the next day when some of them stumble across a town with a very realistic House of Wax.
This film is inspired by a 1953 Vincent Price film of the same name, but with more modern twists (like teenagers with Cadillac trucks and GPS). It features the acting talents of quite a few young Hollywood star and starlets that we probably won't have to endure for too many years, which is usually the case with the young and attractive that don't have too much character range or depth. But that totally works for a horror movie. Who remembers the victims names? Paris Hilton once again displays the only thing that she's good for. Dumb blond eye candy. She does run around in her underwear in a scene that would fit quite nicely into any old school slasher flick, entertaining on many levels. The most has to be said about the direction and special effects. Jaume Collet-Serra bucked the modern trend to digitally render everything and went with a more old school, organic approach. The violence in House of Wax is more graphic and bloody than what goes into a lot of horror today, and that's what makes the film worth watching. If you want to watch good movie made in the style of the classic bloody horrors of yesteryear, this one should be on your list.
House of Wax's Scores
Horror
3.5 skulls
BigBoyMovieReviews Grand Total
3.5 + 2.5 (fun factor, and the fact that it doesn't have any other genre listings)= 6
This movie is another one that carries with it the "based on a true story" tag. In this film we see the trial of Father Moore, a Catholic Priest on trial for the negligent homicide of a young college girl. Emily Rose was a 19 year old college student who becomes the victim of what some believe to be a demonic possession, and what others believe be some kind of epileptic psychosis. This film takes a lot from The Exorcist in the form of what a possessed girl looks like and does. On that same note Jennifer Carpenter does a fantastic job on both aspects of her role as the title character Emily Rose. The energy she puts into the sequences where she is under total demonic control (or seizing epileptic) is impressive. In order to tell the story of Emily Rose during the trial for her murder the filmmakers chose to include quite a few flashback sequences, which can hurt films but seems to work for this story. As with most larger budget Hollywood horror films, this one puts a strong emphasis on the dramatic with long dialog scenes where the "serious actors" can show why they are worth the big bucks. Final say on this one is that it probably won't ever be a classic, but there rarely are anymore in the horror genre. If you see this one on the bargain rack at your local video store or as a cheap, pre-played DVD go ahead and buy it. It's not a bad way to spend 2 hours on a rainy weekend afternoon.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose's Scores
Horror
3 skulls
Drama
3 (still looking for something to rank drama with, any suggestions would be appreciated)
In keeping with the recent Stephen King trend here at BigBoyMovieReviews we bring you Quicksilver Highway, a made for TV pairing of two stories hosted and narrated by a man who should be given more creepy parts, Christopher Lloyd.
Chattery Teeth (by BigBoy favorite Stephen King) tells the story of a traveling salesman who has had a string bad "bad experiences" and is trying to drive home through a Nevada sandstorm to get home in time for his son's birthday. While at a truck stop he is approached by a man asking for a ride. Now, as was stated earlier, this semi-uptight salesman has had a string of "bad experiences" which have caused him to choose driving as opposed to flying and to have a preference not to pick up hitchhikers, but he chooses to give this guy a lift under the circumstances (Mr. King likes this hithchhiker theme, and goes with it often). This story is not entirely unpredictable, in fact it is downright predictable if you are even slightly familiar with Stephen King's short stories.
The second tale is based on Clive Barkers The Body olitic. In this tale we meet a very successful cosmetic surgeon who's hands rebel. As a surgeon this is a very bad thing. This movie entertains us with some very Evil Dead-like sequences where Dr. George (played by Matt Frewer, of Max Headroom fame) does battle with his own hands, only to end in bloody carnage. Not a real nail biter, but the special effects are pretty funny.
All in all this one isn't the most horrific DVD you can watch, but it is fun. Quicksilver Highway is a good option if you want something to watch while you do things around the house, as it doesn't require you to focus on anything too much for fear of missing important details.
Quicksilver Highway's Scores
Horror
2 skulls
BigBoyMovieReviews Grand Total
2+2 because there are no other genre listings but it is genuinely fun=4
Bring him the blood of the outlanders! Praise God! Praise The Lord!
In the town of Gatlin, Nebraska there is a new minister in town. The boy preacher Isaac (the actor, John Franklin born 16 June 1959, was actually about 25 when the film was released) has inspired the children to rise up against the amoral life that adulthood carries with it by speaking in old school grammar not unlike Yoda. He has them slaughter the all adults in a sacrifice to He who walks behind the rows and bring back prosperity and corn to their corn-fed town. His instrument of torment/right hand man is Malachai, and nothing is scarier than a ginger with a chip on his shoulder. A few years after Isaac's brutal overthrow a young couple on their way to Seattle become hopelessly trapped in the town of Gatlin after a car accident and a series of comically rearranged road signs leaves them with no other options. Once in the town they become Isaac's main focus, and he must have them dead. For a guy who successfully orchestrated the mass murder of all adults in town he has a surprising amount of difficulty in catching these two outlanders. The acting in this film is nothing to write home about, but the special effects are interestingly done in what looks like animation overlaid onto live action shots. This film is a classic and a must-see for any fan of the horror genre, simply for understanding its many pop culture references. Scary? Maybe not, but definitely worth putting on your Halloween list.
This semi-animated collection of stories is done in a very Tales From the Crypt-like style, almost to the point of being unoriginal. If you ignore the copyright infringement aspects and focus on the film itself you should be prepared to giggle. Coming from Stephen King and George Romero during an era of absolute horror-cheese these stories are less than frightening and could easily be translated into Saturday Night Live sketches. The film consists of three different stories. The first tells the story of Chief Wood'n Head, an old school store-front wooden Indian, who takes out his vengeance on a vain young "redman" (played by a guy in a lot of makeup with a bad wig) after he destroys the store he stands before. The second tells the story of four young college students who decide to take one final swim before winter in The Raft. Lots of horror stereotypes here. The characters are smoking pot, listening to rock music, and driving irresponsibly. Oh yeah, and there are boobies! Boobies = death. The special effects in The Raft amount to little more than a floating black tarp covered in slime. In the third story we meet Mrs. Lansing, a rich housewife who loved her life and husband all while being unfaithful. Oh yeah, boobies! While she is trying to get home quickly from her gigolo's house she encounters a very haunting Hitchhiker. This story is full of very funny '80s era monster shop special effects that will make you jump, and then laugh. All things considered, if you want to watch something light and fun, but not too scary to usher in Halloween, this is not a bad option.
John Cusack's portrayal of a man being driven mad by a twisted hotel room is nothing less than powerful in what is essentially a one man show with a small supporting cast. Something that too many horror films lack is good acting and not enough can be said about the life that is breathed into the characters of this tale. This film is based on a short story written by Stephen King about a haunted hotel room, but it's not haunted in the classical ghostly sense. The room itself poses very little physical threat. It tortures its victims, putting them through a highly personal version of hell and forcing them to take drastic measures to escape the insanity that the room inevitably brings. As a horror film this covers a wide array of creepy scaries and heebie jeebies. It's psychological,it's emotional, it's graphic, it's good. The special effects are very subtle and don't overwhelm the story allowing the audience to fully absorb the madness of 1408 (which equals thirteen and is on the thirteenth floor, oooh).
Cube 2: Hypercube revisits the Cube franchise in the franchise driven horror genre. Once again a group of seemingly random people are abducted and put into a Rubik's-like cube that requires super-genius mind power to successfully escape from. This film remains true to the original title with some very similar stereotypes portrayed (a few geniuses, a strong female, a psycho), but it does introduce some original plot points that differ quite a bit from Cube. In this film everyone is still wearing their street clothes, there are weapons, the cube exists in the fourth dimension (which means that a lot of really weird things can happen, like time jumps and alternate realities), the rooms are bigger and all white, the doors are touch activated, and there is a heavier reliance on CG. CG can be alright when it doesn't make the film look like a video game. Unfortunately, in a post Matrix era, directors would rather render an image on their laptop than achieve the same effect with trick camera work, lighting effects, and modeling. This really takes away from the fear factor involved in horror movies. How may people fear getting decapitated by a clear, 3D polygon? Or a spinning collection of squares? There is a good amount of insinuated murder and carnage, but to really score well in the horror genre it could have used a more frightening villain. These things all make it a hard one to judge on the horror scale because it's not all that frightening, but it is kind of cool as a sci-fi government conspiracy story. They should rename it Cube 2: You Should Have Paid More Attention in High Shool Physics.
It's hard to believe that this title slipped under the BigBoy radar for five years. It's great! The story begins in a rest home in east Texas where an ancient Egyptian mummy has returned from the dead to feed on the easy pickin' souls of the elderly. The only people who can stop this evil undead reanimated corpse are *ahem* Elvis Presley (Played by Bruce Campbell of lengendary cult films Evil Dead and Army of Darkness fame.) and Jack Kennedy (Portrayed by Ossie Davis. Yes he's black. It was a conspiracy led by LBJ and the military industrial complex to dye his skin after the Dallas shooting didn't kill him.). This movie is chocked full of Bruce Campbell quotable quips and one-liners that should leave you grinning from start to finish, and a pretty impressive collection of special effects scenes that match up to any major horror film coming out of Hollywood today. It's not the scariest film in the world, but it's not just a horror film. On that note, BigBoyMovieReviews is proud to introduce the banana peel rating system for comedy. Bubba Ho-Tep scores 3.5 skulls for horror and 4.5 for comedy, giving it the combined score of 8! A must see for any horror/comedy/B-movie/Bruce Campbell fan!
Claire Holloway is an author of children's stories who was adopted at age 8 and has little memory of her life before adoption other than the story that her parents were killed in a tragic car accident. She suffers from horrifying nightmares about a swamp and one day sees and advertisement for a town which strongly resembles those nightmares. So she decides to rent a house there while she works on her next book (which are usually kind of creepy). Once she moves into the house her nightmares intensify as she discovers she has a psychic connection to this house, which is haunted by a little girl and a pedophiliac ghost with multiple personalities. This is another story of "help the ghosts so that they can pass on blah blah". The acting in this film is often overly dramatic and a lot of the story ideas aren't very original. There are stolen bits from Poltergeist, An American Haunting, etc. The special effects in the film were pretty powerfully done, but the characters rarely responded to them as though they were actually frightened, which took away from the effect. This one gets 2.5 skulls on strength of special effects.
Day 8: October 9, 2007
Primeval
In the war torn and poverty stricken country of Burundi in Africa a world famous anthropologist is killed by a giant nine meter crocodile named Gustave. Across the globe in the the United States a television producer puts together a crack team to travel to Africa to cover this story AND capture the massive croc. What a crock. This team consists of a reporter who doesn't want to cover this story (played by Prison Break's Dominic Purcell, who can't seem to button any shirt past mid-chest), a wildlife reporter, a cameraman, a crocodile expert (a la Steve Irwin, but more of a tool), and a guide/poacher. According to the opening credits it's inspired by true events. Often stories that make this claim are generally about 70% BS, but claim it anyway to lend credibility to their story and trick gullible movie patrons into buying a ticket. What the focus of the story was is unclear as it went between how screwed up Africa is with its warlords and poverty, and the giant crocodile eating people at an alarming rate. Multiple times throughout the film it felt as though the story just cut scenes directly from Jurassic Park, but it was difficult to tell as the director opted for that annoying trend of rapid, slightly out of focus, and poorly framed shots during the action sequences in order to indicate the seriousness of the threat. This may have also been done because the special effects budget wasn't large enough to pay for the additional rendering and animating of a nine meter crocodile attacking everything in sight. This film gets a poor rating on the horror scale. 1 skull.
"She's MY family now..." Meet Billy. Billy's mother hated him and kept him locked in the attic for most of his life. While living in the attic he became very adept at moving around the house semi-undetected in the walls and between the floors. Years of neglect and abuse led him to become a deranged psychopath who would murder his mother and stepfather, and maim his sister/daughter. That's right, I said sister/daughter. Ewww... For the past 15 years Billy has been living in a sanitarium for the criminally insane while his former home was rezoned into a sorority house. Woohoo! A house full of hot chicks all simultaneously PMSing in a horror movie set on Christmas Eve, does life get any better? It in fact, does. Billy manages to escape his incarceration and returns to his childhood home in the middle of a terrible blizzard. The police will be able to make it out in 2 hours... This movie will never win an Oscar, and the acting is fairly stereotypical for a horror flick, but the gore and violence were excellent, and the soundtrack is full of Christmas carols. I liked it. 3 skulls.
This film was pretty graphic and gory, but I don't know how IMDB can categorize it as horror. It's not. I find that any movie where I can sympathize with the villain/hero not to be scary. Anyway, this film tells the story of our dear friend Hannibal Lecter's rise to infamy. It begins on the eastern front of WWII and follows young Hannibal's life as a rich young boy, to an orphan in a Soviet orphanage, to his life in Paris with his Japanese widowed aunt, to his hunt for revenge against the men who introduced him to cannibalism. This movie was pretty well acted, well written, and overall well made, but on a horror scale I'm afraid that I have to give it a pretty low skull rating. 1 out of 5.
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Imagine a world where the great slasher film villains of our time are not fictional characters created only for the silver screen. A world where slasher is a sick profession, meticulously planned and trained for. This is the world of Leslie Vernon, a man who hopes to be the next Jason Vorhees, Freddy Kruegger, or Michael Myers. This film took a very creative angle on the whole slasher genre. Leslie invites a group of grad students to film and document his planning and implementation of a mass murder. At times it was pretty funny, but when the time came to be a slasher Mr. Vernon did not disappoint. I really liked this one. It was a real breath of fresh air into a stagnating area of film. I give it 4 skulls.
Dead Silence
Don't scream! This movie starts off really well with some early gore and creepiness surrounding the mysterious arrival of a ventriloquist's dummy at the apartment of a young married couple. Generations ago there was a female ventriloquist from the couple's hometown with a massive collection of dolls. She was murdered and is now seeking revenge on the families of those responsible for her death. The story had a lot of promise, unfortunately it gets bogged down in a fair amount of overacting and a dragging plot line about the dark history of this woman and the town. There are some decent special effects sequences involving the creepy doll collection. Don't turn it off if you start watching it and get bored in the middle, there is a nice plot twist towards the end. This one gets 2.5 skulls.
The Abandoned
Rural Russia, 1966. A pair of twins are found in the cab of a truck next to their brutally murdered mother. Forty years later those twins both arrive at the house in which they were born to be reunited with the horror that separated them all those years ago. This movie was good! I love a good haunted house film, and The Abandoned did not disappoint. There are flashbacks and zombie doppelgangers, places that suddenly transform or repair themselves. Did I mention that it's inescapable? Cheers to Nacho Cerda in his feature length directorial debut. The cinematography was beautifully done with great usage of colors and transitions. I give this one a high mark of 4.5 skulls.
"They're heeeere..." This movie scared the ca-ca out of me when I was a kid, so in the spirit of the season I thought I'd give it a chance. It's still good. This film was written and produced (perhaps directed as well, never mind what the credits say) by a 25 year younger Steven Spielberg and his creative juices were in full effect at the time (He's been a bit stale since Jurassic Park). Anyway, this film tells the story of the Freelings, a family living in suburban California early 80s' vintage Americana. Everything is going really well for the Freelings family. They have a couple cars, a nice house, nice things, happy kids, Mr. Freeling has a good job working for the company that built their neighborhood, etc. On one beautiful California day strange phenomena begin to occur. At first Mrs. Freeling (Diane) thinks that it's all quite funny (Mr. Freeling is freaked out) until the phenomena become much less benign and actually begin attacking household members. From there on out it's a rollercoaster ride of thrills and scares. The acting is superb for a horror film and the special effects were cutting edge for the time (produced by ILM, the Star Wars people) and by today's standards are still fun to watch. I have to give this classic a solid 4.5 skulls.
p.s. Check out the homage that Spielberg pays to George Lucas with Robbie's toys.
"It's as though she was bitten by hundreds of INSECTS, like SPIDERS." This movie is stoopid. For it to be categorized as horror is astounding to me. The story revolves around a group of families living in Ipswich, Massachusetts. These families are the living descendants of the survivors of the Salem Witch Trials. *yawn* Witches are no longer scary, especially when they are good guys. The story is just another attempt to capitalize on the success of telling stories about young rich kids, only here they have supernatural abilities. The acting was bad. The story was bad. The characters were bad. The special effects were surprising (There is a pretty sweet zombie thing that happens a couple of times, but is never around long enough to cause any harm. And who knew that when warlocks mature they do battle in Matix/ Dragon Ball Z style?) This movie gets 0.25 skulls based only on the occasional appearance of the darkling (zombie thing).
CUBE
This movie is B class horror to the core. It has a little of everything: gore, mystery abductions by unknown parties, stereotypical characters, murder, rage, dismemberment, an idiot savant a la Rainman, and gigantic plot holes. I loved it because it was what it was, a B movie with B actors and a B story. This is what horror is supposed to be. The only thing that I would ask for from the sequel (which I have yet to see) is more gore. I give it 3.5 skulls.
So I've begun the horror bonanza that I've been looking forward to for months (I like to hold off all horror until October, it's a Halloween thing) with a plop.
Day 1: October 1, 2007
The Woods
This movie wasn't bad, but it also wasn't good. It tells the story of a young girl sent to an all girl boarding school in New England in 1965. Now, for all you pervs out there who like the idea of girls in uniform this film has got plenty of that going on. It also has Bruce Campbell, and as far as I'm concerned he might be the greatest B-movie actor ever. Unfortunately, his role is kind of limited and we miss out on his over-the-top acting style so deftly honed in the Evil Dead Series. This movie focuses strongly on witchcraft and channeling the spirits of the forest blah blah blah... After Harry Potter I just don't think that witches are scary anymore, fantasy killed the genre for me. I just kept imagining Hermione Granger Jumping out and yelling "Expelliarmus!" On a scale of 1-5 skulls, I give this one 2.
Population 436
Let me start by saying this, Fred Durst is in the movie... Now if you are still reading this that tells me one of two things: A) You don't have much else to do, or B) You were a Limp Bizkit fan. If the latter is true I want for you to smash you face into your keyboard right... NOW! Now for those of you who aren't unconscious or bleeding from your eyes, this movie should not have been called horror. It is a disgrace to the genre. This was the least scary "horror" movie that I have ever seen. It's the story of a town called Rockwell Falls that has had a moratorium put on the population to hold it at 436 because bad things happen when it gets any higher. But it's not scary, at all. A wee bit creepy, maybe, if you are 5 years old. Imagine the Stepford Wives meets Deliverence. Don't waste your time with this one. I give it 0.5 skulls.
Day 2: October 2, 2007
The Grudge 2 (Hollywood version)
I am a huge fan of this horror franchise created by Shimizu Takashi, and it was produced by Sam Raimi (The Evil Dead, Army of Darkness, Darkman, Spiderman), so I thought that I was in for a good fright. Kayako (Kayoko?) is one of the best ghosts I've ever seen on film, but this was definitely the weakest title to date. In keeping in line with the Japanese sequel entitled JuOn 2 the story and time line are disjointed and hard to follow (parts of it take place in Tokyo, Chicago, Pasadena, and a fictional village in rural Japan), but this does play into keeping up the intensity and suspense of the story. They borrowed a few gags and scares from the Japanese titles, so if you've seen them you might not be so surprised or scared this time around. One of the things that surprised me the most was just how well everyone in Tokyo (and in the small village) could speak English, but that was probably just done for the sake of American audiences. I give it 2.5 skulls.
Hi everyone, how's it going? I won't be doing a lot of ranting and personal insight baloney on here since the main function of this blog is to review the umpteen thousand films I'll end up seeing before I die. Timeliness isn't really a concern of mine, so sorry if I review movies you saw 10 years ago. Anyway, I'm going to kick this thing off with my favorite time of the year for films. October Horror Binge 2007!
